Chapter Forty One

"Why didn't you take me in your playroom," Khushi asked.

They were laying down in bed, Khushi on Arnav's front, their fingers twisted in with the other's.

Arnav didn't reply and Khushi was curious. She turned in his hold to look at him and found him staring at her.

"Well," Khushi pushed on.

Arnav sighed deeply. "Because things are different now."

"What do you mean?"

Arnav turned them over and he laid her beside him. "I've changed, Khushi. I'm not the same man I was before I met you."

Khushi caressed his face and Arnav snuggled into her embrace.

"I want to though."

"Want to what," Khushi asked, her eyebrows scrunched.

"Have you in that room. Do with you as I wish. But...."

"But what?"

Arnav didn't say anything and looked down.

"You can tell me Arnav," Khushi said softly.

Arnav remained quiet for a moment and then looked up at her. "I'm scared."

"Why," she asked softly.

"Of being the man I once was with you."

"What do you mean?"

Arnav sighed. "Khushi, before you came into my life, I was nothing more than a ruthless business man and a domineering dominant. I was cold and I was rough."

"But-"

"You were right, when you asked me if it was harsh of me to put my subs in the closet. And the truth is that it was. It was meant to be because I would get very irritated. Because it was in our contract, I had the ability and every right to do it. They wanted that and that's what they got.

"Khushi, I've not only locked women up in the closet, but in cages, boxes, dungeons, you name it."

Khushi's eyes widened. Holy crap, she thought.

Arnav sat up and looked down at his lap. "There was time when I was very proud of all of this. In our hidden society, I was the best Dom around. Women were at my feet, desperate to be my sub, but I didn't just take anyone. I was hard and rough and I needed a woman who could that. One that would tolerate all the shit I gave them. Though it never surprised me by the number of women that could actually take it," he scoffed lightly.

Khushi blinked and then she sat up beside him. Arnav glanced at her and took her hand in his and placed it in his lap.

"Telling you these things now... it's just... I feel embarrassed. With you... everything's different now. After my mother's death, the idea of love became completely fake to me. It was all bullshit to me. But then you came into my life," he said, looking up at her.

"The moment you stepped into my life, I could see myself changing. I stopped smoking weed, stopped with the excessive drinking... I wasn't the ruthless Dom I once was. But the moment you told me you loved me...."

"You were scared," Khushi said softly.

Arnav looked up at her.

"You were afraid. It wasn't just that you didn't believe in it but you didn't trust it. After seeing what happened between your parents, the idea of love was fake to you. And because your loving mother left you, you felt deceived by love and couldn't trust it. That's why when I told you that I loved you, you got scared. You didn't want to be deceived once more."

Arnav looked down and nodded. "And that's why I tried so hard to be the person I once was. I succeeded somewhat but I was always held back slightly. But that night... when I forced myself on you...."

Khushi looked down, reflecting back to that night.

Arnav looked at her and held her other hand. "Khushi you have to believe that I by no means meant to harm you. I was just beyond angry that you knew everything and thought that you thought I was weak and fucked up in the head. At that moment, I became who I really was and my anger got the best of me and when I usually got mad, I would fuck it out. That's why I did it and I forgot that you weren't my sub, and acted how I did with you the way I did with them."

"You'd force yourself on them?"

"Not exactly. In our contract, it was stated that whenever I wanted to have sex, they would have to agree. I had it clearly stated that I could be fierce when I was angry, but they all agreed. Not once did they ever complain - they all found a lot of pleasure in it. But you... when I saw those tears...."

Arnav turned away, completely ashamed of himself. "I let the devil inside get hold of me that night and I could never forgive myself for it."

"Arnav, no, don't," Khushi said, reaching out to caress his cheek.

"What I did was wrong," he said, his eyes screwed shut and his hands clenched into fists.

"Arnav stop," Khushi said, holding his hands. "Please, stop-"

"How can you still be with me," Arnav asked, turning back to face her.

Khushi gasped. Gone was the great, handsome, sexy CEO Arnav, and here was the broken, horrified, miserable Chote.

"I acted like a monster with you, but yet you're still here. I'm a broken man Khushi, but yet you're still here! How?!"

"Arnav-"

"I'm fucked up as hell Khushi! I've gone through years of therapy but that shit has never done anything, no matter what type I've done! How are you still with me?! For fuck's sake, I saw my mother's dead body hanging from a ceiling fan!!! I'm scarred for the rest of my life, but you're treating me like I have no shit to deal with! Why? Why are you with me?"

Khushi just looked at him, tears in her eyes. "Because I know that underneath that great CEO, there is a normal man. Because I know that under that rough and harsh dominant that locks up his submissives, there's a man only looking for love and trying to figure out why he was punished and ridden of it at a young age. Because I know that even though you saw your dead mother's corpse hanging and have been scarred, you are fighting everyday to get past that and to be the strong man that you really are so that you can love me."

Arnav gaped at her.

"Don't you get it Arnav," Khushi asked, cupping his face in his hands. "I believe in you. I know that under all the fucked up-ness, there is a true person beneath in search of love. While the world sees you as a man of money and power, and a secret society sees you as a mighty dominant, I see a boy  underneath all those layers, who wants nothing but to be loved! He wants to feel special and get the love that he deserves. He's angry at the world for stealing his mama away from him, so he takes it out on everyone else."

Tears came streaming down Arnav's cheeks.

"But it's okay," Khushi soothed, wiping away his tears. "You don't have to act all mighty. I get it - you had a tragic childhood and it mentally affected you." She held his hands. "It's okay, my love. You were stripped of the love you deserved and I'm going to give it to you. It may not be your mother's love, but it'll still be a form of love."

"Angel," Arnav whispered, his voice cracking.

"Oh baby, come here," and Arnav went into her arms and cried.

It hurt Khushi to see him like this but she knew it was necessary. For years,  Arnav had held his emotions in and it let it take form in anger. That's why he he was a ruthless business man. That's why he was the powerful dominant. But right now, he needed to be the boy who couldn't even cry at his mother's funeral.

After Arnav had calmed down, Khushi had him lay down and told him to sleep. She went to leave him alone, but Arnav reached out and held her hand. 

"Stay by my side," Arnav whispered, pleading.

Khushi smiled softly and nodded, and she sat down beside him. Arnav moved closer and laid his head on her lap and shut his eyes. Khushi moved her fingers through his hair, soothing him as he fell asleep.

*~*

It had been an hour since Arnav had fallen asleep. Khushi had remained by his side though and watched him sleep. 

Oh, my beautiful but broken man, Khushi said in her head.

Arnav's phone buzzed, causing Arnav to stir. She quickly reached over to the night stand and picked his phone up. She saw that it was someone named Dr. Thomas Rickman calling and she wondered who this man was. The person called again and Khushi wondered if she should wake up Arnav. Looking at him, she felt it wrong to do that, so she carefully lifted Arnav's head and placed it on the pillow. He had stirred a bit, but he didn't wake up.

Getting up, Khushi went out to the terrace. She looked at Arnav's phone and saw that the person had stopped calling. Putting it on silent, she placed it in her back pocket. Leaning against the rail, Khushi gazed out at the city below her.

We've come so far, she thought. I love him too much that it would break me to leave him. The thought of it makes me.... He loves me and he needs me just as much as I need him. We both have our demons to fight and we can do it together.

But you haven't even told him yours, an eerie voice whispered inside of her.

Khushi's eyes widened. No, I haven't... but... should I tell him? What will he think?

He'll understand, a soft voice replied in her head.

It's not as fucked up as his, a snarky voice said.

Khushi shook her head clear of the voices. I have to tell him, it's only fair. I know his story-

Because Anjali told you, the snarky one piped up. 

Khushi shook her away. Well I have no one to tell him so I have to tell him....

Suddenly Khushi heard a cry coming from the room. She ran back in and found Arnav tossing and turning, crying out in his sleep.

Oh no, Khushi thought.

Khushi went running to his side and tried to shake him awake. 

"Arnav," she called out. "Arnav wake up please!"

Arnav writhed, his eyes screwed tightly shut covered up in sweat. 

"Baby, wake up please!"

She tugged on Arnav some more when his eyes shot open. He breathed heavily, his chest heaving. His shirt was wet from sweat and his eyes were wide.

"Arnav, are you okay," Khushi asked, cupping his face.

Arnav sat up immediately and hugged Khushi tightly. "Bad dream," he huffed over and over again.

"Shh, I'm right here baby," Khushi soothed. "Right here."

For a moment, they stayed like that. Khushi soothed Arnav with sweet nothings and Arnav calmed down. He pulled back and Khushi reached over to wipe the sweat off of his face.

"Are you okay," Khushi asked softly. 

Arnav nodded. "Yeah," he replied. "I'm fine."

"You haven't had a nightmare in so long."

Arnav nodded and looked down at his hands in his lap.

"You wanna tell me what it's about," Khushi asked softly, cupping his face.

Arnav debated for a second. Usually after having a bad dream, he would have sex to get over it. But if he wanted things to be different and be the changed man he was, he would have to refrain from doing so. So instead, he laid down in her lap. Khushi placed one arm around him and he held onto her hand over his thumping heart.

"It usually starts different," Arnav began.

Khushi moved her free hand through his hair to comfort him. 

"They're moments of the past, moments I've had with mom."

"Like what," Khushi asked softly.

"Like when Ma would help me with my homework, when she would feed me, when she would play with me... there's so many moments," he sighed.

Arnav stayed quiet for a moment and Khushi didn't push him. 

"I like it when my favorite memories play. Like this one time when we all went to McDonald's and mom accidentally got ketchup spurting on her face... or the time she was watering the garden and I stepped on the hose on purpose. Di took the hose from her, saying that she could fix it and I removed my foot and water blasted on her face and she chased me while mom laughed really hard at our crazy antics."

Khushi smiled softly, picturing a little boy running around over lush, green grass, with his beautiful mother laughing away.

"My most favorite was when I surprised her with a really nice necklace on her birthday. It took all of my allowance money and a lot of hard work not to be tempted to spend it on candy." Arnav sighed. "Mommy was so happy."

Arnav stayed quiet for a moment and Khushi continued to run her fingers through his really soft hair.

"Every night,  I would go to her room and kiss mommy goodnight, saving her the trip to my room. Mommy would be getting ready for bed and try to make her way to my room, but I always beat mommy," he smiled.

Khushi smiled softly. 

Arnav chuckled a bit. "You know, mommy always said that one day she'd get to my room first, but I always beat her and got to her room first. I always told mommy she'd never win, but she never gave up."

Khushi couldn't help but to smile. She wasn't listening to Arnav - she was listening to Chote speak.

"Silly mommy," Arnav chuckled. "She had promised she would win... but she never got that chance," he said, his voice now a mere whisper.

Khushi pursed her lips. She could feel Arnav's body get tense.

"They all end the same," Arnav said softly. "After the memory it starts with, it ends with me going to mommy's room. I make my way to her room to say good night. When I open the door, the room is dark. It's weird because mommy never has the lights off at this time. So I reach to the side to turn the lights on and...."

Khushi gulped, getting the feeling she knew exactly what he saw next.

"I see her hanging," Arnav whispered, his eyes wide and filled fear. "Mommy's hanging from her scarf tied to the ceiling fan. I stand there, completely shocked. It only takes a moment and then everything clicks in my head."

For a moment, it felt like Arnav had stopped breathing.

"I scream," Arnav said plainly. "Very loud. I run. I go to mommy and grab her around her legs, trying to pick her up but mommy is heavy. Di comes running in. She screams and cries as she comes forward to help me. We both try, but mommy is heavy. She leaves me to grab scissors and jumps on mommy's bed to cut the scarf. She tries and tries till mommy comes falling down. We both are on mommy's side, yelling and crying, but she's quiet - mommy doesn't say a word. Her eyes are shut...."

Khushi bit her lip, picturing the scene in her head, seeing a horrified little boy, crying for his mother to get up.

"Di runs to the phone and calls 911. I yell, begging mommy to get up. That I'll go back to my room so that she can say goodnight to me first, but mommy won't listen, mommy won't get up. Di is by my side again and she holds me, crying and telling me mommy won't get up ever again, that she left us."

Tears swelled up in Khushi's eyes and she tried really hard not to let them fall.

"I just stared at mommy, thinking she was mad at me. People came bursting in soon and they took us away. I just watched, completely quiet. I watched them get around mommy. They took us away and I couldn't see mommy anymore." Arnav pauses for a moment. "The next time I saw mommy, she was in white. She was was on a whole bunch of logs...."

Khushi felt him tense up again.

"He was suppose to burn her."

Khushi assumed he meant his father.

"I couldn't let him. It was his fault. So I yelled at him. I insulted him."

Arnav's body shook with anger.

"I burned mommy that day. I watched mommy burn before my eyes and I couldn't so anything about it. Mommy was dead... and it was his fault."

Arnav suddenly sat up and gripped onto the sheets.

"My mommy is gone and it's all his fault. For years I thought I was at fault but.... She's... he... and I thought I... mommy," and Arnav broke into tears, covering his face with hands.

Khushi's tears escaped and came flowing down. She wrapped her arms around Arnav and Arnav buried his face in her neck, holding onto her as his tears flowed.

"My mommy is gone and I thought it was really my fault in the end," Arnav cried.

Khushi ran her fingers through his hair to sooth him. 

She held him tightly and kissed him on his head. "It's not your fault Arnav. It never has been and you know that now."

Arnav nodded, still crying in her arms.

"It's okay baby, it's okay," Khushi soothed. She placed a kiss on his head. "Your angel will take care of you now."

Arnav tilted his head up to look at him and Khushi wiped his tears away. 

"If there's any reason why I'm in your life, then it's because your mother wants me to. She chose me to be your angel and to be by your side. I will love you Arnav, and I will take care of you, just like your mommy did. I promise baby, I will."

"Angel," Arnav breathed, and he brought her lips down to kiss her.

Khushi kissed him back with all her love.

"You'll stay with me," Arnav asked, murmuring on her lips.

"Forever," Khushi confirmed.